The path to motherhood was not an easy one for me. It still isn’t.
For two years, I battled to conceive. Apart from one malfunctioning tube there was no reason I shouldn’t conceive, but I just didn’t.
Actually when I wasn’t trying to conceive, I did. Then I miscarried at 9weeks. After that we tried and tried but it just didn’t happen. My husband was my human rock. If he ever doubted we would be parents, he never showed it. I relied so much on him throughout those hard days.
Then one day out of nowhere, it seemed, I got pregnant. I spent the practically the whole first trimester cramping and expecting to lose the pregnancy anytime but I didn’t.
When I remember all those ‘prayers of faith and words of fervent affirmation’ followed with a very unbelieving run to the bathroom to check if I was bleeding, very sure I was but desperately clinging to my waning faith that I wasn’t and the overwhelming relief when I discovered no blood, I shake my head. I was the typical ‘O ye of little faith’ but God’s mercy more than made up for it. My precious son stayed 37weeks despite me and came out absolutely perfect.
Since then I have been on the ‘trying to conceive’ path again.
Has any of this affected my faith in God? As in has it ever caused me to doubt His existence, His divinity or His power? No. Never.
But it has made me question many times – WHY!
He is God. He has the power. He promised none of us will ever be barren. So WHY?
I still have no answer. And I also don’t know why I have no answer.
I have gone through the whole gamut from maybe I’m not praying enough to maybe God doesn’t want me to have more children, a theory that was immediately shut down by the Holy Spirit when I heard His voice clear as day saying “Yes, He does”. Believe me, there was no mistaking the ‘don’t be silly’ undertone in that statement.
He wants me to have more children. I want me to have more children. My husband wants me to have more children. So that means I’m definitely having more children. The when is what I don’t know.
Right now, I’m at the ‘I trust in Him’ stage. Not every day though. Some days I just can’t find that trust. Some days I rave and rant at Him. Some days I don’t want to speak to Him at all. But I somehow find my sighing way back to trusting Him.